yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
