I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
