Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
