so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
