apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
