my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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