Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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