she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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