I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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