flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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