I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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