I am in a vortex of obligation.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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