Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
