so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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