this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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