my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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