My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
