My friends, they love my intelligence
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
