I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
