Betty ford says i'm here all night
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
