I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
