I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I need to stop coming to work sober
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
