I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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