I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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