you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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