you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
