new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
