Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
