i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
