And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
