i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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