you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
