some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
