I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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