Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
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So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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