He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
