I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
