I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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