Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
