I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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