Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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