I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
