So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
