On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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