Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
