How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
