I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She's just so happy...and so naked.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
