This house was built for laser tag.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
