DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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