Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
