just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
They took my balls.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Everyone says I win the strip club
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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