OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
