Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
