I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
