omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.