I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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